From the moment you make the decision to stay at home, you start to hear the question.
"When will you go back to work?"
I don't know if people are trying to be intentionally rude, and I doubt that they truly mean to convey the sort of condescension that accompanies the implication that every stay-at-home mom is really just biding her time at home with her kids until she can jump back into the world as a so-called real person again.
I happen to like the time that I spend with my children. I place a high value on the time that I spend doing things for them (though I reserve the right to bitch and moan about said contributions to their general welfare whenever I please).
And I have yet to meet a mother who doesn't "work" on a daily basis.
Apparently, though, work doesn't qualify as work unless somebody pays you to do it.
If I went to work in a daycare, I would get paid to play with children and keep them safe and prepare their meals and clean up their messes.
If I went to work as a teacher, I would get paid to read with children and help them learn their ABC's and all sorts of other life lessons.
If I went to work as a personal chef, I would get paid to shop and plan and prepare meals.
If I went to work as a chauffeur, I would get paid to drive people around all day.
In none of these situations would anybody ask me when I was going to go back to work. They would consider what I was doing to be work, simply because I would be doing it for strangers and getting paid for it.
Except, I don't get paid to do any of these jobs. I do them for my own family out of the goodness of my heart, so apparently they don't count as work. But they are work. Hard work. And they count as work too.
I will never go back to work because I never stopped working in the first place.
I will, however, return to paid employment, which is what people actually mean (and what they should say) when they ask about going back to work.
Language is a powerful tool. Often, the words that we use convey far more than we mean. By simply asking a mother when she plans to return to work, we automatically devalue the work that that woman does everyday taking care of her own family.
I am actually in the process of returning to a paying job right now -- on a part-time, work from home basis -- but I don't consider it going back to work. I consider it adding more work to the work that I'm already doing.
The definition of "work" should encompass more than just work that is financially compensated. Defining ourselves through our paid employment and not the many other aspects of our lives just doesn't make sense, because most of us are so much more than the things we do to pay our bills.
And stay-at-home moms like myself might not be earning the big bucks or receiving compensation in any form other than sloppy kisses and crayon drawings, but our work is just as (if not more) important than anything else we might be doing.
We work.
Every day.
All day.
And usually at night too.
We don't have to go "back" to work. We're already here.
Showing posts with label stay-at-home moms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stay-at-home moms. Show all posts
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Is the Stay-at-Home Mom the Ultimate Feminine Mistake?
The Feminine Mistake.
Yes, it's a catchy title and a clever play on Betty Friedan's iconic classic, The Feminine Mystique.
But this book pissed me off. Royally.
Author Leslie Bennetts claims that The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much was inspired by her "exasperation at the glorification of stay-at-home motherhood." Clearly, because in every chapter of the book she seems to be on a personal quest to deglorify it in painstaking detail.
I, and all you other women out there who have been as foolish as I have been and have chosen to quit working and to stay home with children, will eventually rue the day that that decision was made. We will be blindsided when our husbands die, or more likely divorce us for younger women, and we will be left broke and alone, with no career and no means of supporting ourselves or our children financially.
Okay, Leslie, point taken. Men sometimes leave. Sometimes, they lose their jobs. Sometimes, life doesn't turn out as we plan.
But the point might have been more convincing if you hadn't used the same example over and over and over and over. I lost track of just how many real-life women whose husbands had left were featured in the book. And I kept waiting for a husband who had stayed.
He never appeared.
I'm loathe to admit this, but, in the midst of all the insanity and misguided conclusions, Bennett raises some valid points. Women who choose to stop working and stay home to raise children do lose more than just a paycheck. We lose valuable work experience which impacts our long-term earning potential. We lose the validation that often comes with paid employment. We do lose financial security.
And, unless we're independently wealthy -- show of hands, anybody?? no?? -- we do become financially dependent on our husband or partner.
Don't even bother protesting that you're planning to re-enter the work force once your kids are older. Bennetts covers that too -- it's next to impossible, in case you were wondering.
Choosing to be a stay-at-home mom is a complicated web of risk and trust, self-esteem and vulnerability. It is a calculated risk to assume that your husband will continue to provide for you and your children. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and love to believe and truly know that you're with somebody who isn't going anywhere.
It isn't every woman who can open herself up to that level of vulnerability, or who has high enough self-esteem to recognize her own non-monetary contributions to her children and her husband as worthwhile.
I'm not arguing that women should be stay-at-home moms, but I am arguing that it is a valid choice.
Bennetts doesn't seem to think so.
"If you just walk away from paid employment, you will not only have cheated yourself of the opportunities that might have come your way but you will also have forfeited your chance to have an impact for the better," she writes. Because apparently working moms forfeit nothing and paid employment is the only way to impact the world.
"Women must (emphasis mine) reevaluate their assumptions and consider their long-term interests as well as their families short-term needs before making major life choices."
You know, because she said so, and because if we've chosen to stay at home because we're obviously too stupid to have considered the long-term repercussions.
Ultimately, my main frustration with The Feminine Mistake is not in it's message but in its tone. Bennetts has a major superiority complex, and instead of just sharing what worked for her and talking about how combining motherhood with a career can be a great choice with a lot of financial and emotional benefits, she goes on a rampage against any woman who has chosen a different path.
It's as if she's on a mission to show stay-at-home moms everywhere the error of their ways. And I find it hard to stomach that kind of smug superior attitude, especially when she states that "this book is not intended as a contribution to the Mommy Wars."
Really? Because I swear there was a lot of mud-slinging going on in those pages. Sure it was subtle and cleverly masked under the cloak of intellectualism, but it was there. And how does that help anybody?
We're all just feeling our way through this thing called motherhood. NOBODY has the right answer, particularly since it's different for every woman.
And while I've always thought of myself as a feminist, this book really makes me question that label.
If feminism is about women having the power to make our own choices, is it also about other women having the power to reprimand us when we've made the wrong ones?
Seriously, folks, I'm asking. Anybody have an answer?
Yes, it's a catchy title and a clever play on Betty Friedan's iconic classic, The Feminine Mystique.
But this book pissed me off. Royally.
Author Leslie Bennetts claims that The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much was inspired by her "exasperation at the glorification of stay-at-home motherhood." Clearly, because in every chapter of the book she seems to be on a personal quest to deglorify it in painstaking detail.
I, and all you other women out there who have been as foolish as I have been and have chosen to quit working and to stay home with children, will eventually rue the day that that decision was made. We will be blindsided when our husbands die, or more likely divorce us for younger women, and we will be left broke and alone, with no career and no means of supporting ourselves or our children financially.
Okay, Leslie, point taken. Men sometimes leave. Sometimes, they lose their jobs. Sometimes, life doesn't turn out as we plan.
But the point might have been more convincing if you hadn't used the same example over and over and over and over. I lost track of just how many real-life women whose husbands had left were featured in the book. And I kept waiting for a husband who had stayed.
He never appeared.
I'm loathe to admit this, but, in the midst of all the insanity and misguided conclusions, Bennett raises some valid points. Women who choose to stop working and stay home to raise children do lose more than just a paycheck. We lose valuable work experience which impacts our long-term earning potential. We lose the validation that often comes with paid employment. We do lose financial security.
And, unless we're independently wealthy -- show of hands, anybody?? no?? -- we do become financially dependent on our husband or partner.
Don't even bother protesting that you're planning to re-enter the work force once your kids are older. Bennetts covers that too -- it's next to impossible, in case you were wondering.
Choosing to be a stay-at-home mom is a complicated web of risk and trust, self-esteem and vulnerability. It is a calculated risk to assume that your husband will continue to provide for you and your children. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and love to believe and truly know that you're with somebody who isn't going anywhere.
It isn't every woman who can open herself up to that level of vulnerability, or who has high enough self-esteem to recognize her own non-monetary contributions to her children and her husband as worthwhile.
I'm not arguing that women should be stay-at-home moms, but I am arguing that it is a valid choice.
Bennetts doesn't seem to think so.
"If you just walk away from paid employment, you will not only have cheated yourself of the opportunities that might have come your way but you will also have forfeited your chance to have an impact for the better," she writes. Because apparently working moms forfeit nothing and paid employment is the only way to impact the world.
"Women must (emphasis mine) reevaluate their assumptions and consider their long-term interests as well as their families short-term needs before making major life choices."
You know, because she said so, and because if we've chosen to stay at home because we're obviously too stupid to have considered the long-term repercussions.
Ultimately, my main frustration with The Feminine Mistake is not in it's message but in its tone. Bennetts has a major superiority complex, and instead of just sharing what worked for her and talking about how combining motherhood with a career can be a great choice with a lot of financial and emotional benefits, she goes on a rampage against any woman who has chosen a different path.
It's as if she's on a mission to show stay-at-home moms everywhere the error of their ways. And I find it hard to stomach that kind of smug superior attitude, especially when she states that "this book is not intended as a contribution to the Mommy Wars."
Really? Because I swear there was a lot of mud-slinging going on in those pages. Sure it was subtle and cleverly masked under the cloak of intellectualism, but it was there. And how does that help anybody?
We're all just feeling our way through this thing called motherhood. NOBODY has the right answer, particularly since it's different for every woman.
And while I've always thought of myself as a feminist, this book really makes me question that label.
If feminism is about women having the power to make our own choices, is it also about other women having the power to reprimand us when we've made the wrong ones?
Seriously, folks, I'm asking. Anybody have an answer?
Monday, May 24, 2010
The 29 Jobs of The Non-Profit Mom
At the moment, I'm posting on Blogger, primarily because I'm almost completely computer illiterate. And I'm discovering that, in the world of blogging, if you don't understand computer basics, it doesn't matter how well you write, you won't get very far. I never needed to know about SEO or HTML code when I was writing college papers in good old Microsoft Word . . .
While stumbling around, trying to editing my Blogger profile, I discovered a tab marked Industry. One click and I was offered a list of 29 different industries in which one might work. I paused. Which industry do I work in again? I failed to find a category for "Raising the Leaders of Tomorrow" or "Shaping the Minds of the Future." As a stay-at-home mom, where do I belong?
And then it hit me. Every. Single. One.
Accounting: Every time I leave the grocery store I make sure that both my kids are accounted for. No? How about household finances? Does that count?
Advertising: Any mother who has ever convinced her child to eat vegetables by cutting them into silly shapes qualifies as an advertising executive in my book.
Agriculture: Anybody grow their own garden? You know, it's a must these days, what with the pesticides and the local food movement . . . If you don't have your own garden you're a total slacker mom.
Architecture: Last week I helped design a hotel completely out of Legos. And it didn't fall over. That's just good design.
Arts: Um, I do art projects every day. Just this morning my toddler used his yogurt to fingerpaint all over my kitchen table. Creative expression at its finest! (Though to be fair, in that situation I really only played the role of clean-up crew).
Automotive: Got stuck at Target last winter with two kids and a car that wouldn't start. Successfully opened the hood and jiggled the thingie that my husband told me to jiggle. The car started. If that doesn't qualify as automotive work, I don't know what does. Did I mention that it was dark and raining and freezing and my toddler was inside the car screaming? Show me a mechanic who can do that.
Banking: I have a bank account. Sure, Suze Orman might have a heart attack if she discovered the state of my finances or the fact that I'm not always "hands-on" when it comes to managing our money, but, hey, at least I read the bank statements.
Biotech: Apparently this is when technology is used to change or enhance a biological process or biology is used to aid in industry. I'm thinking that my breast milk, with all it's amazing properties, has to figure into his one somehow . . .
Business Services: I provide just about any and every service any one of my family members might ask for. All in exchange for sloppy kisses and unconditional love. That's service in exchange for goods, so that's business, baby.
Chemicals: Learning more and more about them every time I read the ingredients on a bottle of household cleaner or kid's shampoo. Trying to keep them out of my house and away from my children could easily be a full-time job.
Communications/Media: Do I even have to explain how a mom works in Communications? As for media, I spend way too much time determining which kid's shows and movies are appropriate and which ones will surely scar them for life.
Construction: Remember the hotel made of Legos? I built it.
Consulting: I share my experiences and opinions with any other mother who is interested, and plenty of them who are probably not. Ever wonder why new moms are so desperate to join a playgroup? Nope. It's not to "socialize" their two month-old. It's because every mother in that group is going to serve as their free, personal parenting consultant. As a mom whose been around the block already, I'm thinking maybe I should start charging by the hour . . .
Education: Shaping young minds, molding our future, raising the leaders of tomorrow. All education. Plus just about everything else that we teach our children everyday.
Engineering: How about engineering the daily lives of four very different people? It takes a pretty damn good understanding of logistics and even statistics to keep a family running smoothly, you know.
Environment: If I used cloth diapers, this one would be easier . . . but I don't. I do teach my kids not to litter or leave the water running when they brush their teeth. Plus, by staying at home and not driving back and forth to work every day, I prevent all that extra fuel emission. Yeah, I agree that last one is a stretch.
Fashion: I shop for my children's clothes and dress them every day. My own personal sense of fashion, however, is playing hide-and-seek with me at the moment. I know it's here somewhere, but I can't find it the midst of all my Wal-Mart designer apparel. It's sad when you buy clothes in the same place you buy groceries.
Gov't: I govern every day. Some days, we live in a democratic state. Others, I'm a benevolent dictator. And then there are the days when you better just do what I say.
Human Resources: You mean like when my husband is home and he handles a situation with the kids in a wildly inappropriate manner and I have to reprimand him and explain to him the logistics of respectful interpersonal communication? Maybe next time a probation is in order.
Internet: Use it every day. Where else am I going to escape to?
Investment Banking: Like I said, Suze, not my biggest strength. But what about the time and energy that I invest in the well-being of my family every single day? Do you think that will pay off in the end? You know, I'm kinda banking on the idea that if I can't afford a nursing home, my kids will remember all the love and devotion I've given to them and return the favor in my final days . . .
Law: Kids have an absolutely amazing capacity for finding loopholes and arguing their position on any matter, whether it's staying up later or skipping the broccoli at dinner. I may not be a trained lawyer, but I would rather face off with one of them than one of my children any day.
Law Enforcement: Well, this one is just too easy. We have rules. Sometimes I have to enforce them. Duh.
Manufacturing: Well, I manufactured two beautiful children right? I know. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Maritime: Okay, I may be stumped here. No wait -- I've taken my kid's to the beach and out to explore the ocean. Yep, I've got maritime experience.
Marketing: Again. Too easy. It's when you successfully argue that the new Princess pajamas are waaaay better than the beloved, ketchup-stained, three-sizes-too-small Dora nightgrown.
Military: Living in a home inhabited by children can be like living in a war zone. There are battles, big and small. And children don't fight the good fight. With them, it's all about guerrilla warfare. You let your guard down, and start thinking that everything is going smoothly, and then BAM!!! Suddenly you're down and out for the count.
Museums or Libraries: I go to both all the time. And we read so many books in my house I think I should just start telling people I'm a librarian.
Non-Profit: If I had to choose one category to describe my role as a mom, this would be it. Because I work my ass off day and night in ALL of the above categories (as well as about a million other ones) and I DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY FROM ANY OF IT!!!
Blogger wouldn't let me select all 29 categories; they're trying to pigeon-hole me into choosing just one. But if they plan to continue hosting mom bloggers, it's a glitch they're going to have to fix. Moms are the ultimate multi-taskers -- we don't do anything one at a time!
While stumbling around, trying to editing my Blogger profile, I discovered a tab marked Industry. One click and I was offered a list of 29 different industries in which one might work. I paused. Which industry do I work in again? I failed to find a category for "Raising the Leaders of Tomorrow" or "Shaping the Minds of the Future." As a stay-at-home mom, where do I belong?
And then it hit me. Every. Single. One.
Accounting: Every time I leave the grocery store I make sure that both my kids are accounted for. No? How about household finances? Does that count?
Advertising: Any mother who has ever convinced her child to eat vegetables by cutting them into silly shapes qualifies as an advertising executive in my book.
Agriculture: Anybody grow their own garden? You know, it's a must these days, what with the pesticides and the local food movement . . . If you don't have your own garden you're a total slacker mom.
Architecture: Last week I helped design a hotel completely out of Legos. And it didn't fall over. That's just good design.
Arts: Um, I do art projects every day. Just this morning my toddler used his yogurt to fingerpaint all over my kitchen table. Creative expression at its finest! (Though to be fair, in that situation I really only played the role of clean-up crew).
Automotive: Got stuck at Target last winter with two kids and a car that wouldn't start. Successfully opened the hood and jiggled the thingie that my husband told me to jiggle. The car started. If that doesn't qualify as automotive work, I don't know what does. Did I mention that it was dark and raining and freezing and my toddler was inside the car screaming? Show me a mechanic who can do that.
Banking: I have a bank account. Sure, Suze Orman might have a heart attack if she discovered the state of my finances or the fact that I'm not always "hands-on" when it comes to managing our money, but, hey, at least I read the bank statements.
Biotech: Apparently this is when technology is used to change or enhance a biological process or biology is used to aid in industry. I'm thinking that my breast milk, with all it's amazing properties, has to figure into his one somehow . . .
Business Services: I provide just about any and every service any one of my family members might ask for. All in exchange for sloppy kisses and unconditional love. That's service in exchange for goods, so that's business, baby.
Chemicals: Learning more and more about them every time I read the ingredients on a bottle of household cleaner or kid's shampoo. Trying to keep them out of my house and away from my children could easily be a full-time job.
Communications/Media: Do I even have to explain how a mom works in Communications? As for media, I spend way too much time determining which kid's shows and movies are appropriate and which ones will surely scar them for life.
Construction: Remember the hotel made of Legos? I built it.
Consulting: I share my experiences and opinions with any other mother who is interested, and plenty of them who are probably not. Ever wonder why new moms are so desperate to join a playgroup? Nope. It's not to "socialize" their two month-old. It's because every mother in that group is going to serve as their free, personal parenting consultant. As a mom whose been around the block already, I'm thinking maybe I should start charging by the hour . . .
Education: Shaping young minds, molding our future, raising the leaders of tomorrow. All education. Plus just about everything else that we teach our children everyday.
Engineering: How about engineering the daily lives of four very different people? It takes a pretty damn good understanding of logistics and even statistics to keep a family running smoothly, you know.
Environment: If I used cloth diapers, this one would be easier . . . but I don't. I do teach my kids not to litter or leave the water running when they brush their teeth. Plus, by staying at home and not driving back and forth to work every day, I prevent all that extra fuel emission. Yeah, I agree that last one is a stretch.
Fashion: I shop for my children's clothes and dress them every day. My own personal sense of fashion, however, is playing hide-and-seek with me at the moment. I know it's here somewhere, but I can't find it the midst of all my Wal-Mart designer apparel. It's sad when you buy clothes in the same place you buy groceries.
Gov't: I govern every day. Some days, we live in a democratic state. Others, I'm a benevolent dictator. And then there are the days when you better just do what I say.
Human Resources: You mean like when my husband is home and he handles a situation with the kids in a wildly inappropriate manner and I have to reprimand him and explain to him the logistics of respectful interpersonal communication? Maybe next time a probation is in order.
Internet: Use it every day. Where else am I going to escape to?
Investment Banking: Like I said, Suze, not my biggest strength. But what about the time and energy that I invest in the well-being of my family every single day? Do you think that will pay off in the end? You know, I'm kinda banking on the idea that if I can't afford a nursing home, my kids will remember all the love and devotion I've given to them and return the favor in my final days . . .
Law: Kids have an absolutely amazing capacity for finding loopholes and arguing their position on any matter, whether it's staying up later or skipping the broccoli at dinner. I may not be a trained lawyer, but I would rather face off with one of them than one of my children any day.
Law Enforcement: Well, this one is just too easy. We have rules. Sometimes I have to enforce them. Duh.
Manufacturing: Well, I manufactured two beautiful children right? I know. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Maritime: Okay, I may be stumped here. No wait -- I've taken my kid's to the beach and out to explore the ocean. Yep, I've got maritime experience.
Marketing: Again. Too easy. It's when you successfully argue that the new Princess pajamas are waaaay better than the beloved, ketchup-stained, three-sizes-too-small Dora nightgrown.
Military: Living in a home inhabited by children can be like living in a war zone. There are battles, big and small. And children don't fight the good fight. With them, it's all about guerrilla warfare. You let your guard down, and start thinking that everything is going smoothly, and then BAM!!! Suddenly you're down and out for the count.
Museums or Libraries: I go to both all the time. And we read so many books in my house I think I should just start telling people I'm a librarian.
Non-Profit: If I had to choose one category to describe my role as a mom, this would be it. Because I work my ass off day and night in ALL of the above categories (as well as about a million other ones) and I DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY FROM ANY OF IT!!!
Blogger wouldn't let me select all 29 categories; they're trying to pigeon-hole me into choosing just one. But if they plan to continue hosting mom bloggers, it's a glitch they're going to have to fix. Moms are the ultimate multi-taskers -- we don't do anything one at a time!
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