Sunday Surf: Thanksgiving Edition

Since it's been a busy Thanksgiving weekend, my Sunday Surf this week is short and sweet.  I'm sure you've got more doorbuster sales to hit anyway, right?

• My very favoritest (it can be a word, yes?) post of the week comes from the blog Mama Birth.  The post Humbling Moment #547: Women With More Than One Child Are Not Actually Crazy is an absolute laugh-out-loud, must-read about the things we learn when our family keeps growing.  There are plenty of days when I'm absolutely convinced that my second kid is hell-bent on making me lose my mind completely, so it's nice to hear that other moms have trouble keeping their shit together, too.  
• The Healthy Food and Healthy Living blog by Dr. Ayala is always interesting, but her recent post On Happiness, and Being In the Moment was one that really resonated with me.  Our world is so busy and complicated and everyone always seems to be in a hurry and wanting to do and have more, more, more.  But a recent study shows that thinking less and living more in the moment might be the key to greater happiness.  I'm a big fan of simplifying my life, but I find it hard to live in the moment.  This post is a great reminder of why it is so important.
• In The Darker Side of Back Friday, Mom-101 calls out the retailers who have gone too far with Black Friday sales that are now starting on Thanksgiving Day.  Would you like a side of rampant commercialism and blatant consumerism with your turkey? 

I'm sure there was much more on the web that I missed this week, but I'm off to put up my Christmas tree.  Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Surfing!      

Sunday Surfing on Monday: Medication, McDonalds, And Other Things Moms Talk About

I had a Sunday Surf post all prepared, but was sidelined by some weird form of head cold/stomach flu/ poisoning by Theraflu.  Whatever it was that I had, I never made it to the computer.  So we're Sunday Surfing on Monday.  What difference does it make, really?

• Lisa Belkin, author of The New York Times Motherlode blog (and #1 on Babble's recent list of top mom bloggers) has an interesting post entitled Modern Mother's Little Helpers.  No, it isn't about the cute little toddlers who empty the silverware from the dishwasher and put the laundry into the dryer.  It's about the pills that so many moms pop in order to get through the day.  Belkin draws on a post from an anonymous blogger at The Elmo Wallpaper, who wonders what is going on when such large numbers of mothers are so overwhelmed and stressed out that they can't seem to function without the help of prescription meds. 
• San Francisco can ban Happy Meal toys all day long, but according to two eye-opening posts over at Spoonfed, there are far more serious issues when it comes to McDonalds.  Check out both Forget Happy Meal toys. Let's ban McEducation and the follow-up post More McDonald's Madness for some interesting and educational reading.  
• There was a beautiful post from Carrie at The Parenting Passageway about the times when breastfeeding doesn't work out.  She writes: "breastfeeding is wonderful, it provides an excellent start to infants and to families.  However, the way we connect to our children goes through all developmental stages, not just infancy, and not just through breastfeeding." 
• And last but definitely not least, the Cool Mom Picks Holiday Guide is here!!!  Cool Mom Picks is an awesome website run by awesome mom bloggers, and every year they scope out the coolest holiday gift ideas so that you don't have to.  I love that their stuff is unique, and that I can find  handmade items from Etsy mixed in among all their holiday picks. 

Happy Surfing!

The Post In Which I More Rationally Respond To Erica Jong's Mother Madness

The other day, I briefly responded to Erica Jong's Wall Street Journal article Mother Madness, in which she equates modern motherhood (and attachment parenting in particular) with prison.  The piece has caused quite the stir in the world of social media, and in case you couldn't tell from my previous post, I didn't like it.

In her article, Jong reiterates the same basic controversial premise that has brought notoriety to writers like Hannah Rosin and Elisabeth Badinter: that nurturing our babies and children by responding to their needs is the wrong way to mother because it's making us miserable.

That motherhood itself, or more specifically a particular kind of motherhood -- the kind where we are willing to devote much of our time and energy to our children -- is what is holding women back.

Jong goes on the attack against attachment parenting from the beginning, calling out Bill and Martha Sears and their popular Baby Book as one of the primary reasons women become sacrificial lambs on the altar of motherhood (as I imagine she might put it). 

What is so frustrating about her article, though, is that she clearly doesn't understand attachment parenting, and confuses a responsive style of mothering with an obsessive desire to raise the "perfect" child. 

She clearly doesn't realize that you can parent by attachment while working outside the home, or that attachment parenting does leave room for caregivers other than mom or dad in a child's life.  She also seems to think that attachment parenting means making your own baby food and using cloth diapers, and while many attachment parents may do these things, one has nothing to do with the other. 

I for one did neither, and my style of parenting is fairly attachment-oriented.

Erica Jong's Mother Madness is perfectly defined by writer and attachment parenting guru Katie Allison Granju in her response on The New York Times Motherlode blog as a "messy amalgam of multiple parenting cliches."  Granju debunks many of the attachment parenting myths promoted in Jong's article, and articulates the flaws in Jong's irrational assertions far better than I can.

Granju's is an article worth reading.  

Erica Jong is apparently a long-time feminist activist, but she is clearly out of her element when it comes to writing about a style of motherhood that she never embraced.  Her own daughter, Molly Jong-Fast wrote a response piece, in which she describes her childhood and her relationship with her mother, and very astutely concludes that her mother worked hard so that she as the daughter could have choices. 

Her defense of her mother is touching, and I wholeheartedly agree that there are a million different ways to be a good mother to your child.  I may not agree with Jong's choices, and they clearly wouldn't work for me, but I'm not going to deride it and publish an essay in a national publication telling her how she's done everything wrong. 

That's Erica Jong's style.  Not mine.

Lost in the mish-mosh of Mother Madness are some valid points.  Jong is correct that the media focuses on images of smiling celebrities with their children, but never shows the nannies.  She is correct that there are parents who get so caught up in the desire to do everything "right" who are overly susceptible to ideas and theories of what constitutes "good" parenting.

While I practice many of the principles of attachment parenting, I have long been frustrated by the label, because I don't believe that parents or parenting styles need to be categorized.  I agree that it's dangerous to give new mothers the idea that "this is what you should be doing." 

In fact, I also agree with Ms. Jong on one other very important point:  that modern motherhood desperately needs to be redefined.

Modern mothers are struggling under the weight of tremendous pressure, but the pressure to be an excellent mother is no greater than the pressure to function in society (and more importantly in the work place) as if you weren't a mother.  Yes, there are women who stay home to raise children for the wrong reasons and probably feel imprisoned.  But there are also women who leave their children and go to work because it is what is expected of them or because they must to provide for their family, and feel just as imprisoned there.

Attachment parenting may be a convenient scapegoat, but we have far greater cultural problems than arguing about whether moms should make their own baby food.  We need longer maternity leaves and an increased acceptance of leave for fathers as well.  We need laws protecting women's rights to pump at work and breastfeed in public.  We need fellow mothers who are willing to accept that there are ways of raising children that are different from their own.  We need far more support, and far fewer critics.

Motherhood isn't holding us back. 

But so-called feminists who insist on blaming motherhood for the undone work of the women's movement instead of fighting for the social change that mothers deserve just might be.

Who The %$#&% Is Erica Jong?

I just have one question today.

Who the hell is Erica Jong and why should anybody care what she has to say?

This article from The Wall Street Journal is positively one of the most disturbing pieces of writing that I've ever read.  Not because I disagree with what she says (which I do), but because her thinking is completely illogical and the audacity with which she presumes to know what other women are feeling and experiencing is absolutely astounding.

Who is Erica Jong again?

Clearly not anybody I need to waste my time finding out about.

Why This Stay-At-Home Mom Will Never Go "Back" To Work

From the moment you make the decision to stay at home, you start to hear the question.

"When will you go back to work?" 

I don't know if people are trying to be intentionally rude, and I doubt that they truly mean to convey the sort of condescension that accompanies the implication that every stay-at-home mom is really just biding her time at home with her kids until she can jump back into the world as a so-called real person again.

I happen to like the time that I spend with my children.  I place a high value on the time that I spend doing things for them (though I reserve the right to bitch and moan about said contributions to their general welfare whenever I please). 

And I have yet to meet a mother who doesn't "work" on a daily basis.

Apparently, though, work doesn't qualify as work unless somebody pays you to do it.

If I went to work in a daycare, I would get paid to play with children and keep them safe and prepare their meals and clean up their messes. 

If I went to work as a teacher, I would get paid to read with children and help them learn their ABC's and all sorts of other life lessons. 

If I went to work as a personal chef, I would get paid to shop and plan and prepare meals.

If I went to work as a chauffeur, I would get paid to drive people around all day.

In none of these situations would anybody ask me when I was going to go back to work.  They would consider what I was doing to be work, simply because I would be doing it for strangers and getting paid for it. 

Except, I don't get paid to do any of these jobs.  I do them for my own family out of the goodness of my  heart, so apparently they don't count as work.  But they are work.  Hard work.  And they count as work too. 

I will never go back to work because I never stopped working in the first place.    

I will, however, return to paid employment, which is what people actually mean (and what they should say) when they ask about going back to work. 

Language is a powerful tool.  Often, the words that we use convey far more than we mean.  By simply asking a mother when she plans to return to work, we automatically devalue the work that that woman does everyday taking care of her own family. 

I am actually in the process of returning to a paying job right now -- on a part-time, work from home basis -- but I don't consider it going back to work.  I consider it adding more work to the work that I'm already doing.      

The definition of "work" should encompass more than just work that is financially compensated.  Defining ourselves through our paid employment and not the many other aspects of our lives just doesn't make sense, because most of us are so much more than the things we do to pay our bills. 

And stay-at-home moms like myself might not be earning the big bucks or receiving compensation in any form other than sloppy kisses and crayon drawings, but our work is just as (if not more) important than anything else we might be doing.

We work. 

Every day. 

All day. 

And usually at night too.

We don't have to go "back" to work.  We're already here.

Mary Fallin and More Mommy Wars: Does Motherhood Make You A Better Political Candidate?

I'm watching The View right now.  Yes, that's pretty much how I keep up with current events these days . . .

And a discussion of how sad it is that these contentious ladies are considered a credible news source by so many aside, they do have a habit of talking about topics that interest me.

Today, the topic up for discussion is Mary Fallin, the Republican candidate for governor of Oklahoma.  Fallin's Democratic opponent, Jari Askins, is also a woman, so the state of Oklahoma is poised to elect the first female governor in it's history in next Tuesday's election.

Usually, voters would be casting their votes based on their preferred political party, their conservative or liberal leanings, their understanding and assessment of the candidates' qualifications and experience. 

Unfortunately, this race seems to have been reduced to yet another battle in the mommy wars.

In a debate last Tuesday, Mary Fallin stated that her experience as a mother of six (four of whom are stepchildren) makes her more qualified to lead the state of Oklahoma than her unmarried, childless opponent.

It's a pretty simple statement.  I think that many women who have raised families or who are in the midst of caring for young children would agree that it is an exercise in patience, leadership, and compassion, and that you learn all sorts of things about time management, how to motivate people, how to handle delicate situations, how to broker peace agreements. etc. 

I could go on and on about the skills acquired in motherhood, and yes, I do personally believe that experience as a mother can be a valuable asset for a woman in other aspects of her life.   

But . . .

The fact that you learn a lot as a mother isn't really the issue here, nor is it the reason why Ms. Fallin's statement has received so much publicity.  By playing the "mom" card, and more specifically by saying that a woman who hasn't had children is less qualified, the Republican candidate has really put her foot in her mouth. 

Feminists are up in arms over the notion that in the year 2010 a woman's worth can still be defined in terms of her marital and reproductive status.  And even people who agree that motherhood provides her with valuable experience have trouble with her assertion that this experience is more valid than the outstanding (albeit childless) resume of her opponent Ms. Askins.

For me, I believe that bearing and raising children is an integral part of many women's identities.  Motherhood alters your life and changes your perspective.  It grounds you and knocks you on your ass simultaneously.  And unfortunately, it is often dismissed in our culture as less important and less valuable than so many of the other (most often paid) endeavors that women pursue.

Motherhood should be a valid point on a resume.  Raising and caring for our next generation is important work with the potential for huge long-term impact.  But just as women shouldn't be penalized for being mothers, we also shouldn't be penalized for not being a mother.  One isn't better than the other. 

Women are a diverse group, with different strengths, passions, and interests.  We are united by our ability to have children, but we don't need to be defined by it.

Ms. Fallin should be welcome to cite her experience raising her family as one small part of who she is and why she is a better candidate.  I disagree with feminists who claim that motherhood doesn't or shouldn't impact your professional identity at all.

But suggesting that Ms. Askins is lacking simply because she has never had children is taking it too far.  Life is full of choices and trade-offs, and women have come a long way in the past few decades in ensuring that we have the right to make our own choices and choose our own trade-offs. 

Fighting amongst ourselves over who has made the right or the best ones isn't going to help women anywhere. 

Fortunately, getting elected as Governor just might.  My best wishes for each of the two women, mother or not, as she heads into election night. 

Getting Sappy: Reflections of Motherhood Video From Nummies.com

Okay, maybe the following video is a little sappy, but I still like it and think it's worth sharing.  Since I find that I tend to get a little snarky on my here sometimes, it can't hurt to have something a little more positive and uplifting once in a while . . .

Nummies.com asked moms what they would tell they're pre-baby selves if they could go back in time. 

These are their answers.

My personal favorite:

Google doesn't have children.



Which ones were your favorites?  What would you tell your pre-baby self if you had the opportunity?

How Super Wal-Mart Turned Me Into One Of THOSE Mothers!!!

It was an ugly scene.

Picture it. 

A young mother pushes her cart through Super Wal-Mart, struggling through the aisles, trying to finish her shopping with two tired, hungry, and rambunctious kids in tow.  A girl of about six dances alongside of her  -- narrowly missing a collision with a display of peaches -- and a boy of about two has climbed onto the end of the cart -- you know, the place where children are not supposed to ride but can't seem to resist.

The distressed mother is heading back to the produce section for that one final item, the broccoli that she forgot on her first trip down that aisle, when it happens.

The toddler turns to step off of the cart, trips, and SPLAT!!! is suddenly layed out face-first on the hard floor.  Screams of anguish ensue, annoyed shoppers turn to stare, and for a split second, the woman is convinced that the kid has probably broken every bone in his face. 

And, of course everyone is looking at her wondering "Why can't this woman control her kids?"

The horror of this story?

That it was me.

That I've become one of those mothers.

One of those mothers who does not always seem to have it all under control.  One of those mothers who doesn't always keep her children perfectly in-check.  One of those mothers who looks like she doesn't have a clue what she's doing.  One of those mothers who would probably bribe her children with candy from the checkout line if only she could fiish her shopping in peace.  One of those mothers who clearly doesn't care what she looks like as long as she can get throught this day in one piece.

One of those mothers who I used to swear I would never be.

As a new mom to a precious litte girl, I had high ideals and high standards.  And with one child, I was usually able to live up to them.  My rule at the grocery store was simple:  you don't get out of the cart.  It was the rule, and I meant it, and she knew I meant it. 

I also always came prepared;  I brought snacks and games and had all kinds of tricks up my sleeves for dealing with toddlers in the grocery store.  The combination of her fairly cooperative personality and my new mom energy and motivation to "get everything right" made for many mostly pleasant shopping experiences.

And then I had baby number two.

And he is different.  And I am different.  And when you put us together in a massively overwhelming place like Super Wal-Mart, we're like an atom bomb just waiting to explode.

Super Wal-Mart, by the way, didn't exist in St. Louis when my daughter was little.  Back then, in the good old days, I shopped at the regular-sized grocery stores, and thought I was in heaven when the miniature-sized Trader Joes moved into town.  I'm convinced that the new trend in "superstores" is a direct attempt by our society to literally send moms with small children over the edge . . .   

So, like I said baby #2 is different.  He's a boy -- which I know is just a social construct that I shouldn't use to describe him -- but his gender is thus far the only tangible way I can find to explain why he is so different from his sister.  He runs more, he jumps more, he aways seems like he's ready to physically explode.  He doesn't care what my rules are or how seriously I mean them.  He would gleefully run away from me in a store without ever looking back, and he's not averse to climbing out my cart and into the meat case the moment I'm not looking.    

And I'm different too.  I may only be a few years older, and only a few years more experienced as a mom, but I've already lost sight of that bright-eyed, new mom I used to be.  I don't have the energy to always come prepared with snacks.  I don't care if other shoppers look at me with judgement or question my methods with my kids.  I manage to get the groceries I need and keep everybody alive.  Good behavior entirely optional.

I have more simple goals these days.

Essentially, I've grown up a little bit.  I've become one of those mothers who knows that bad days happen to good mothers.  One of those mothers who knows that it doesn't matter what other people think about me and my kids and my choices.  One of those mothers who is doing her best but still always falling short of her ideals.

And, most importantly, one of those mothers who knows that falling short is sometimes okay.

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Do you have any grocery store horror stories?  What are your best tips and tricks for shopping with kids?  Have you found that your mothering style and mentality has changed as your kids have gotten older and you've become more experienced?   

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The Mom Who Never Has A Camera

Before the birth of my first baby, my doula suggested that I bring a camera to the hospital and think about designating someone to take pictures in the delivery room. 

"You may regret it someday if you don't have any pictures.  At least this way, you'll have them if you want them."

I didn't take the pictures.

But that's just who I am. 

I'm the mom who never has a camera.

Anywhere you go, moms seem to have cameras.  Other women seem obsessed with documenting the tiniest details of their children's lives, from delivery onward.  They compile albums, they scrapbook, they have memberships to portrait studios because they visit them so frequently. 

This is not to say that I have no pictures or that I see no value in capturing freeze frames of fleeting moments.  When I remember, or when the camera happens to find it's way into my purse or my car, I've snapped some beautiful, candid shots.  The walls of my home are covered with many of my favorite family photos, and they are among my most cherished possessions.  But most of them are pictures I came by randomly, and only a couple are from real "sittings" with a professional photographer.  I like it that way.  It feels real to me.  It feels like I'm living my life with my family and occasionally taking snapshots as reminders of the good times we've enjoyed, rather than studiously documenting every moment for posterity.

Yes, there are times when I've missed capturing special moments because I haven't had my camera with me.  There are certainly pictures that I don't have and have come to wish I had taken. 

But for the most part, I like my haphazard way of collecting pictures -- an occasional portrait sitting here, some candid shots there.  It isn't right for everybody; I know that there are lots of women who love scrapbooking, and I'm sure that somewhere there are some who have even scrapbooked their births . . . 

As for me, I still haven't come to regret my decision not to take those birth pictures.  Those images are instead among the many rich and vivid memories that are stored carefully away on the hard drive of my mind.

And that's a hard drive that can never be erased.

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What kind of picture-taker are you?  Do you take tons of photos and schedule portrait sittings for every birthday?  Or do you always find yourself without a camera?  What kind of family photographs are important to you?

Spreading the Word: Postpartum Depression, AOL, and Mothers Who Harm Their Children

I've never experienced postpartum depression. 

I've experienced some pretty dark moments as a mother, moments when sleep deprivation and anger and frustration and exhaustion and despair and the stresses of everyday life seem overwhelming. 

Moments when I've wished to be anywhere but here with this screaming, endlessly needy infant.

But I've never come close to experiencing postpartum depression.  I can't even imagine how truly terrifying it must be for a mother to endure.

And, like Annie at PhD in Parenting wrote, there are other women, women who have been there, whose voices need to be heard.

An article appeared on AOL today about the recent murder of two young South Carolina boys by their mother.  It included a comment made by a criminal profiler, a woman named Pat Brown who stated that postpartum depression is a "crock." 

And there are some very smart, very strong women who have been very pissed off by this blanket statement about what is a very real illness.

I don't know the specifics of the case in South Carolina, but, in this situation, they don't seem to matter.  Pat Brown wasn't just speaking specifically about this one case.  She was making a blanket statement about women everywhere.

If you're interested in this story, you can read the AOL article here.  Keep in mind, however, that it has already been edited to remove the controversial comments. 

If you're interested in some smart, serious discussions from women who have battled depression first-hand,  then here are the links that you really need to read.

Read this post from Postpartum Progress.

Or visit Catherine at Her Bad Mother and read her post The Monster In the Closet.

You can also read An Open Letter to Pat Brown (the profiler who made the offensive statement) at the Pretty Babies blog.  And the post has been updated to include Pat Brown's response.

These women, and women like them, are the experts.  They may not be professionals, and they may not  have all the answers, but they've been there.

They've been there.  In my mind, that gives them a very real right to a very valid opinion.

The criminal profiler?  Maybe, and that's a big maybe, she has a valid opinion in the specific case that she has been working on. 

But an opinion on postpartum depression in women everywhere?

No way in hell.

And AOL should know that.        

True Mom Confessions: I Sent My Daughter to Kindergarten Because She Watches Too Much TV

Photo credit: woodleywonderworks

Is it really possible that many St. Louis students are headed back to school next week?  In the midst of this heat wave?  Isn't this one of those, oh, I don't know, really good reasons why school didn't used to start until after Labor Day?  And am I actually at a point where I'm old enough to start remembering back in the day? 

Just kill me now . . .

My own daughter isn't currently a part of the back-to-school fanfare and won't be headed to school next week -- because we're still finalizing details of where we'll be moving to for this school year, and because I'm still wrestling with my eternally conflicted feelings about home school vs. public school vs. the private schools that we can't afford. 

So I've decided to share a post that I wrote last year, about my decision to send my daughter to kindergarten in Florida.  It was a tough one, and not one that was reached lightly.  But, in the end, it was also a good one.  A really good one.  So I'm hoping that, by revisiting my thinking back then, I'll be inspired to give myself a much-needed kick in the rear, and will be able to make a decision one way or the other about what to do this year.  And then, you know, move on.

Or maybe not.  I guess we'll see . . .

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I sent my daughter to kindergarten because she watches too much TV.

Okay, that's not entirely true . . .

But it's a little more true than I would like it to be . . .

I know that, for most people, you send your child to kindergarten because he or she has turned five by whatever randomly designated "cutoff date" your home state has decreed. 

Or you have your child "tested," determine that you have a genius on your hands, and send little Johnny off a year early, despite the fact that, no matter how smart he is, he is in no way developmentally ready for the unavoidable emotional stresses of school.

Yes, that is an unnecessary smart-ass remark.

I, unfortunately, am not one of those people who is content to do something just because someone else said I should. 

Especially Florida's Department of Education. 

Do you remember the 2000 election and the stellar role that the state of Florida played in that disaster?  That tends to make me even more squeamish about the idea of the state government having any sort of a say in my child's education.

I have serious qualms with the public school system in general, and Florida's full-day kindergarten program in particular.  And yet, last month, I turned my precious 5 year-old daughter over to that very kindergarten program.

Why, you might ask?

It wasn't because she just happened to turn 5 before September 1.  It wasn't because I thought she needed social interaction.  It wasn't because I expected her to learn a lot, or thought they might actually teach her something worthwhile.  It wasn't even because I needed a break and wanted to have some time away from her.

It was mostly because of the Disney channel.

We love the Disney channel in our house:  Hannah Montana, The Suite Life (at the Tipton or On Deck), Sonny With A Chance, Wizards of Waverly Place . . . you get the picture.

Photo credit alacoolk

And except for the morning (when there is Playhouse Disney, as some of you may know) the shows are on ALL DAY LONG!!!

Now, letting my daughter sit on the couch and watch the Disney channel all day long is in no way my idea of good mothering.  And I can honestly -- and I'm breathing a sigh of relief here -- say that there has never been a day when this has happened.

But recently, we've come way too close.  I can slowly feel myself morphing into the kind of mom who would let her kids watch TV all day, every day if it meant that I could get even a moment of peace.

So I decided that school just might be a better alternative right now. 

For both of us.

She can get out of the house and away from her grouchy, overly-stressed mother, and interact with adults who aren't, well, me.

And I can have six hours a day free from her constant chatter.  I wouldn't call it a break, since I'm still chasing a wildly energetic 15 month-old, but at least he doesn't talk yet, and there are moments when I can actually hear myself think.

They're fleeting, but they are there.

Yes, I feel guilty.  I feel like she's going to school for the wrong reasons.  I worry that I'm killing her creativity and ruining her life.  I think about homeschooling, which was (and still is) attractive to me in so many ways, not the least of which is the fact that I wouldn't have to drag my tired self out of bed at the crack of dawn every morning -- okay, okay, neither would she -- I'm supposed to be thinking about what's best for her, not me, I know.

And there's this awesome thing called unschooling where you as a parent don't really have to do anything except trust that they'll learn what they need to know when they need to know it.

This ALL appeals to me.

But, at the moment, she loves kindergarten.  She loves her teacher and her classmates and all the daily drama and excitement that comes with a room full of 5 year-olds. 

Kindergarten, as it turns out, is a lot more entertaining than I am.   

And even though I like to think that, if she were home during the day, I would do all sorts of fun, enriching activities, I know that it would never happen.  When you're at a point in your life where you're asking yourself what on earth made you decide that you had it together enough to actually try and raise other people, it just doesn't feel like the best time to take on more responsibility.

So, at least for the time being, I chose kindergarten over the Disney channel.  Was it the right choice?  I don't know. My hope is that the public school system will teach my daughter something more valuable than what she might learn from Miley Cyrus.

My fear is that it won't.

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In case you were wondering, I'm at a much better place in my life now than I was when I wrote this a year ago . . .   

And, yes, my daughter did, in fact, learn more in kindergarten than she would have from Miley Cyrus -- and, given the year that Miley has had, I'm glad that I chose to separate them :)

But I still maintain my overall concerns with our public school system, whether in Florida or Missouri or any other state.  One positive experience, with one particular teacher, in one particular school, can't negate what is, overall, a very flawed system.

So now what?  

Now, I have some serious thinking to do.

Notes On A Two Year-Old

Yesterday morning, I made breakfast for my two year-old.  Just like I do every other morning.

Except that yesterday morning, I pissed him off when I told him that, no, he could not eat his scrambled eggs with a knife.

And when I turned my back, the scrambled eggs were dropped and scattered all over the clean, just mopped floor beneath his seat. 

I think it was a form of silent protest.

Three minutes later, two triangles of raisin toast came hurling across the breakfast counter, through the air and straight for my head. 

I'm not sure what I did to prompt this one.

Please, can we just skip two and go straight to three, I thought to myself.  Sometimes, this kid has more energy than I can handle.

Later last night, this same two year-old finally fell asleep. 

And as he lay there so peacefully, so quiet and so still, he looked like an angel and I couldn't stop admiring him and thinking what a delight he is and how much I love his spirit and his energy and his zest for life.

Please, I thought to myself, can't I just keep him this age forever?

**************************************

Photo credit:  Wikimedia Commons

A Mother's Rage: Diffusing Our Anger and Disciplining Ourselves

In a recent article for Babble, Liane Kupferberg Carter writes about "that irate moment no one can adequately warn you about, when hostility and sarcasm shove aside reason and patience, and you suddenly sense your own terrifying rage."

"Does anyone else get this mad?" she asks.

My answer?

Hell yes.

Raising children isn't for the faint of heart.  We come into it with high ideals, expectations of hugs and kisses and angelic faces that look to us with nothing but adoration and a loving desire to do exactly as we say.

Does that happen in your house?

Mine either.

We have our moments, when I get told that I'm the best mom in the world and my two children fight over my lap.  When I look at them and can't imagine my life without them and wonder how it's possible to love two little people with such fierce intensity.

More often, it seems, we have other moments.

Moments when an argument over a doll or a dump truck suddenly escalates into World War III. 

Moments when a six year-old's desperate attempt to play a video game far beyond her capabilities ends in a full-fledged temper tantrum of over-reaction and a cascade of self-loathing and self-doubt. 

Moments when dinner gets burned because a two year-old is clawing at my leg and just can't wait. 

Moments when my sanity is in question and I have to be the grown-up even when I don't feel like a grown-up and at the same time am desperately wishing there were another grown-up in the room with me.

And I get mad. 

Actually, I go way beyond mad.   

I can feel the rage bubbling up inside of me, as if I'm a volcano on the verge of explosion.  I want to lose my temper.  I want to verbally unleash.  I want to hit.  I want to run and lock myself in my bedroom and hide. 

I think about the mom who left her kids with her husband in the middle of the night and ran off to Utah.

There.  I said it.  Out loud. 

Yes, sometimes, I get that angry too.  So angry that it scares me.  And Carter is right.  That kind of rage can be terrifying.

But, here's the important thing:  I don't act on it.  Sure, there have been times when I've lost my temper and yelled and said things that shouldn't have been said.  I'm human.  But I don't hit.  I don't run and hide. 

And I would never, ever actually take off and leave my children behind, as enticing as that fantasy might occasionally be.

How do I manage this?

Discipline. 

Not for my kids.  For me.

I noticed a long time ago that when I get mad at one of my children and have a desire to yell or hit, it's more often about me and my emotions than it is about my child's behavior.  It's usually because I haven't gotten enough sleep, or because I have stress in other areas of my life that has nothing to do with my kids. 

Or because I'm trying too hard to control their behavior and make them do what I want, instead of listening to them as individuals and guiding them when they need to find a better way.

It's because I haven't taken the time to breathe, to step back and look at the bigger picture.

In our country, the word discipline usually has negative connotations.  It is most often associated with punishments such as spanking or time-outs.  But I prefer to think of discipline as a method of teaching and self-improvement.  And I can't expect to teach this to my children if I don't lead by example.

So when the drama and the screaming begin, I let myself feel the anger.  Because anger is a real and legitimate response to a difficult situation.  The daily grind of raising children can be overwhelming, particularly when it's coupled with the other stresses of our everyday lives.

I don't think that feeling anger, or even rage occasionally, is either bad or unnaural. 

I tend to think the opposite is true, that it would be unnatural if you didn't sometimes experience these emotions.

Anger and rage, like physical pain, can be taken as a sign that something is not right.  If we use our anger in this way, we can use a very negative emotion to achieve a positive outcome. 

If we are angry at our children for not playing as we would like, we need to figure out how to teach them a better way to play.  If we are angry because we feel out of control, we need to either take control or learn to relinquish our desire for control. 

A mother's rage doesn't have to be a bad thing.  Sure, if we can't get it under control, or if it continually  appears in response to the tiniest of infractions, or if we act on that rage in a way that hurts our children, rage can become a real and serious problem. 

But occasional feelings of anger and even rage can also help us to see that things aren't working as they are.  It can help us to find a better way.

When I took childbirth education classes in the Bradley method, I learned how physically tensing the body can actually intensify pain.  It's funny, but those classes have helped me a lot more post-baby than they did in the delivery room. 

When my kids get loud and crazy and upset, I may yell for a minute or two.  But then I get remarkably calm.  I might be inwardly seething -- much like the way I was writhing in pain through the contractions of labor -- but on the outside, I look calm.  I breathe slowly.  I speak slowly.  And softly.  I don't yell, no matter how much I might want to.  I remember to breathe slowly, and slowly, miraculously, my anger dissipates.

I look at my children and really see them.  I see how little they are, and how much they need me to help them cope with life.  I remember how fiercely I love them.  I apologize for being angry.

And, together, we find a better way.            

The Mommy Blogger In All Of Us

When I first considered becoming a blogger, I did my homework.  I researched the various types of blogs, read books about how to make money as a blogger, and spent way too much time surfing through the blogosphere.  Along the way, I stumbled upon a fascinating creature that intrigued me, yet also left me feeling slightly disturbed.

I discovered the mommy blogger. 

As a mother of two young children, who enjoys writing about all things mommy-related, I might have immediately embraced the role of mommy blogger as one for which I am ideally suited.

I, however, chose not to.  In the beginning, my thinking went a little something like this: 

I do not, under any circumstances, want to be one of these women.  

I do not want to share intimate stories about how I can't pee in privacy with the rest of the world. 

I do not want to inundate the internet with pictures of my half-dressed children.  

I do not believe anyone cares about my narcissistic belief that said children are endlessly entertaining and adorable. 

I do not want to churn out poorly written and gramatically incorrect anecdotes about the most mundane details of my existence on a daily basis. 

I do not want to chase advertising deals with big-name companies who offer me peanuts in return.  

I do not want to use my blog as my personal therapy session, with my readers as my therapists. 

I do not want to churn out post after post under the misguided belief that a six-figure book deal is just around the corner.

I do not need to join the masses and become just another number sharing the same old story about how I used to be hot but have learned to love making baby food. 

I do NOT want to be a "mommy blogger." 

Yes, my first reaction was fairly negative.     

I'm pretty certain that the poor writing I came across so often had much to do with it.  Anyone who enters adulthood armed with an English degree is cursed to go through life constantly decrying our national inability to use the words "their, "there" and "they're" correctly.  They're not interchangeable, people!!!!

Shouldn't there be some prerequisite for starting a blog?  Like maybe a basic grasp of the English language?

But, despite all that, I've had a change of heart.  I've decided that my inner mommy blogger is a creature worth embracing.

Why?

At first glance, mommy blogs may seem to be about trivial things, and that makes it all too easy to trivialize their contribution to the world at large.  But don't be fooled.  Mommy bloggers are making a contribution.

The lives and experiences and perspectives of the women who write these blogs are real.  Even the blogs that aren't so well-written are having an impact, because there are still people listening to what their authors have to say. 

And the blogs that are well-written?  These blogs and the women behind them are out to change the world, and they're building the audience they need to do it successfully. 

Mommy bloggers may be laughing (and sometimes crying) about their exploits with their kids, and some may be questioning their choices and looking to change their lives, but these women are also addressing the deeper issues head-on.

Mommy bloggers are talking about more than potty-training and Elmo.  They're addressing real issues that most of the "puff" pieces in the big parenting magazines fail to even mention. 

They're talking about jobs and husbands and gender roles and childbirth and breastfeeding and why they feel so judged by other moms. 

They're talking about the complicated decision to stay at home or go to work.  They're talking about war, and politics, and sex and sippy cups.  They're commenting on breaking news as it happens. 

They're connecting with other women who share their experiences and opinions and passions.  They're building a community for themselves and making their voices heard.  They're numbers are growing and those voices are getting louder. 

Mommy blogging is not just about being a mommy; it's about being a women in a world where that's not easy. 

It's about embracing motherhood as a valid and integral part of the female experience. 

It's about telling it like it is, and addressing the real issues that plague women as mothers openly and honestly.  It's about commiserating with like-minded women, and discussing and disagreeing with others who see things differently than you. 

It's about admitting when you're wrong, and when you've changed your mind.  It's about making each other laugh, and also sometimes cry.  It's about joining together, and saying the things that need to be said.

Every mother has a story and an opinion that deserves to be heard.  There's a mommy blogger in all of us.

 I've embraced mine.  Where's yours?

Is the Stay-at-Home Mom the Ultimate Feminine Mistake?

The Feminine Mistake.

Yes, it's a catchy title and a clever play on Betty Friedan's iconic classic, The Feminine Mystique.

But this book pissed me off.  Royally. 

Author Leslie Bennetts claims that The Feminine Mistake:  Are We Giving Up Too Much was inspired by her "exasperation at the glorification of stay-at-home motherhood."  Clearly, because in every chapter of the book she seems to be on a personal quest to deglorify it in painstaking detail. 


I, and all you other women out there who have been as foolish as I have been and have chosen to quit working and to stay home with children, will eventually rue the day that that decision was made.  We will be blindsided when our husbands die, or more likely divorce us for younger women, and we will be left broke and alone, with no career and no means of supporting ourselves or our children financially.

Okay, Leslie, point taken.  Men sometimes leave.  Sometimes, they lose their jobs.  Sometimes, life doesn't turn out as we plan.

But the point might have been more convincing if you hadn't used the same example over and over and over and over.  I lost track of just how many real-life women whose husbands had left were featured in the book.  And I kept waiting for a husband who had stayed. 

He never appeared. 

I'm loathe to admit this, but, in the midst of all the insanity and misguided conclusions, Bennett raises some valid points.  Women who choose to stop working and stay home to raise children do lose more than just a  paycheck.  We lose valuable work experience which impacts our long-term earning potential.  We lose the validation that often comes with paid employment.  We do lose financial security. 

And, unless we're independently wealthy -- show of hands, anybody?? no??  --  we do become financially dependent on our husband or partner. 

Don't even bother protesting that you're planning to re-enter the work force once your kids are older.  Bennetts covers that too -- it's next to impossible, in case you were wondering.     

Choosing to be a stay-at-home mom is a complicated web of risk and trust, self-esteem and vulnerability.  It is a calculated risk to assume that your husband will continue to provide for you and your children.  It takes a tremendous amount of trust and love to believe and truly know that you're with somebody who isn't going anywhere. 

It isn't every woman who can open herself up to that level of vulnerability, or who has high enough self-esteem to recognize her own non-monetary contributions to her children and her husband as worthwhile.

I'm not arguing that women should be stay-at-home moms, but I am arguing that it is a valid choice. 

Bennetts doesn't seem to think so.

"If you just walk away from paid employment, you will not only have cheated yourself of the opportunities that might have come your way but you will also have forfeited your chance to have an impact for the better," she writes.  Because apparently working moms forfeit nothing and paid employment is the only way to impact the world.
"Women must (emphasis mine) reevaluate their assumptions and consider their long-term interests as well as their families short-term needs before making major life choices." 

You know, because she said so, and because if we've chosen to stay at home because we're obviously too stupid to have considered the long-term repercussions. 
Ultimately, my main frustration with The Feminine Mistake is not in it's message but in its tone.  Bennetts has a major superiority complex, and instead of just sharing what worked for her and talking about how combining motherhood with a career can be a great choice with a lot of financial and emotional benefits, she goes on a rampage against any woman who has chosen a different path.

It's as if she's on a mission to show stay-at-home moms everywhere the error of their ways.  And I find it hard to stomach that kind of smug superior attitude, especially when she states that "this book is not intended as a contribution to the Mommy Wars." 

Really?  Because I swear there was a lot of mud-slinging going on in those pages.  Sure it was subtle and cleverly masked under the cloak of intellectualism, but it was there.  And how does that help anybody?

We're all just feeling our way through this thing called motherhood.  NOBODY has the right answer, particularly since it's different for every woman. 

And while I've always thought of myself as a feminist, this book really makes me question that label.

If feminism is about women having the power to make our own choices, is it also about other women having the power to reprimand us when we've made the wrong ones?

Seriously, folks, I'm asking.  Anybody have an answer?

The 29 Jobs of The Non-Profit Mom

At the moment, I'm posting on Blogger, primarily because I'm almost completely computer illiterate.  And I'm discovering that, in the world of blogging, if you don't understand computer basics, it doesn't matter how well you write, you won't get very far.  I never needed to know about SEO or HTML code when I was writing college papers in good old Microsoft Word . . .

While stumbling around, trying to editing my Blogger profile, I discovered a tab marked Industry.  One click and I was offered a list of 29 different industries in which one might work.  I paused.  Which industry do I work in again?  I failed to find a category for "Raising the Leaders of Tomorrow" or "Shaping the Minds of the Future."  As a stay-at-home mom, where do I belong?

And then it hit me.  Every.  Single.  One.

Accounting:  Every time I leave the grocery store I make sure that both my kids are accounted for.  No?  How about household finances?  Does that count?

Advertising:  Any mother who has ever convinced her child to eat vegetables by cutting them into silly shapes qualifies as an advertising executive in my book.

Agriculture:  Anybody grow their own garden?  You know, it's a must these days, what with the pesticides and the local food movement . . . If you don't have your own garden you're a total slacker mom.

Architecture:  Last week I helped design a hotel completely out of Legos.  And it didn't fall over.  That's just good design.

Arts:  Um, I do art projects every day.  Just this morning my toddler used his yogurt to fingerpaint all over my kitchen table.  Creative expression at its finest!  (Though to be fair, in that situation I really only played the role of clean-up crew).

Automotive:  Got stuck at Target last winter with two kids and a car that wouldn't start.  Successfully opened the hood and jiggled the thingie that my husband told me to jiggle.  The car started.  If that doesn't qualify as automotive work, I don't know what does.  Did I mention that it was dark and raining and freezing and my toddler was inside the car screaming?  Show me a mechanic who can do that.

Banking:  I have a bank account.  Sure, Suze Orman might have a heart attack if she discovered the state of my finances or the fact that I'm not always "hands-on" when it comes to managing our money, but, hey, at least I read the bank statements.

Biotech:  Apparently this is when technology is used to change or enhance a biological process or biology is used to aid in industry.  I'm thinking that my breast milk, with all it's amazing properties, has to figure into his one somehow . . .

Business Services:  I provide just about any and every service any one of my family members might ask for.  All in exchange for sloppy kisses and unconditional love.  That's service in exchange for goods, so that's business, baby.  

Chemicals:  Learning more and more about them every time I read the ingredients on a bottle of household cleaner or kid's shampoo.  Trying to keep them out of my house and away from my children could easily be a full-time job.

Communications/Media:  Do I even have to explain how a mom works in Communications?  As for media, I spend way too much time determining which kid's shows and movies are appropriate and which ones will surely scar them for life.

Construction:  Remember the hotel made of Legos?  I built it.

Consulting:  I share my experiences and opinions with any other mother who is interested, and plenty of them who are probably not.  Ever wonder why new moms are so desperate to join a playgroup?  Nope.  It's not to "socialize" their two month-old.  It's because every mother in that group is going to serve as their free, personal parenting consultant.  As a mom whose been around the block already, I'm thinking maybe I should start charging by the hour . . .

Education:  Shaping young minds, molding our future, raising the leaders of tomorrow.  All education.  Plus just about everything else that we teach our children everyday.

Engineering:  How about engineering the daily lives of four very different people?  It takes a pretty damn good understanding of logistics and even statistics to keep a family running smoothly, you know. 

Environment:  If I used cloth diapers, this one would be easier . . . but I don't.  I do teach my kids not to litter or leave the water running when they brush their teeth.  Plus, by staying at home and not driving back and forth to work every day, I prevent all that extra fuel emission.  Yeah, I agree that last one is a stretch.

Fashion:  I shop for my children's clothes and dress them every day.  My own personal sense of fashion, however, is playing hide-and-seek with me at the moment.  I know it's here somewhere, but I can't find it the midst of all my Wal-Mart designer apparel.  It's sad when you buy clothes in the same place you buy groceries.

Gov't:  I govern every day.  Some days, we live in a democratic state.  Others, I'm a benevolent dictator.  And then there are the days when you better just do what I say.

Human Resources:  You mean like when my husband is home and he handles a situation with the kids in a wildly inappropriate manner and I have to reprimand him and explain to him the logistics of respectful interpersonal communication?  Maybe next time a probation is in order.

Internet:  Use it every day.  Where else am I going to escape to?

Investment Banking:  Like I said, Suze, not my biggest strength.  But what about the time and energy that I invest in the well-being of my family every single day?  Do you think that will pay off in the end?  You know, I'm kinda banking on the idea that if I can't afford a nursing home, my kids will remember all the love and devotion I've given to them and return the favor in my final days . . .

Law:  Kids have an absolutely amazing capacity for finding loopholes and arguing their position on any matter, whether it's staying up later or skipping the broccoli at dinner.  I may not be a trained lawyer, but I would rather face off with one of them than one of my children any day.

Law Enforcement:   Well, this one is just too easy.  We have rules.  Sometimes I have to enforce them.  Duh.

Manufacturing:  Well, I manufactured two beautiful children right?  I know.  Ha. Ha. Ha.

Maritime:  Okay, I may be stumped here.  No wait -- I've taken my kid's to the beach and out to explore the ocean.  Yep, I've got maritime experience.    

Marketing:  Again.  Too easy.  It's when you successfully argue that the new Princess pajamas are waaaay better than the beloved, ketchup-stained, three-sizes-too-small Dora nightgrown.

Military:  Living in a home inhabited by children can be like living in a war zone.  There are battles, big and small.  And children don't fight the good fight.  With them, it's all about guerrilla warfare.  You let your guard down, and start thinking that everything is going smoothly, and then BAM!!!  Suddenly you're down and out for the count.

Museums or Libraries:  I go to both all the time.  And we read so many books in my house I think I should just start telling people I'm a librarian.

Non-Profit:  If I had to choose one category to describe my role as a mom, this would be it.  Because I work my ass off day and night in ALL of the above categories (as well as about a million other ones) and I DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY FROM ANY OF IT!!!

Blogger wouldn't let me select all 29 categories; they're trying to pigeon-hole me into choosing just one.  But if they plan to continue hosting mom bloggers, it's a glitch they're going to have to fix.  Moms are the ultimate multi-taskers -- we don't do anything one at a time!